Posts (page 2)
Friday Question
Yeah, ok, I know it's Sunday, and I'm late, but, for crying out loud,. it's CHRISTMAS, and I have other things to do, besides making ya'll think!
How would you react if you were to learn that your mate had had a lover of the same sex before you knew each other?
Have you ever been sexually attracted to someone of the same sex?
to someone in your family?
If so, how did you deal with it?
Personal Ceremonies
If you were to plan your own Wedding or Funeral ceremony, would you create two separate ceremonies for pagan and non-pagan folk, or would you just plan a ceremony around your beliefs. How would you feel if any non-pagan friends or family did not wish to attend such a ceremony?
Well, we DID plan our wedding. We were GOING to have a separate handfasting, inviting only those that we knew would be comfortable there. Didn't happen, because of money issues, etc.
As far as how would I feel if non-pagan friends or family didn't want to be there? Well, that would seriously depend on who it was. My parents? At this point, I wouldn't give a flying rat's ass. They don't really care all that much about me to start with. Hell, they live with me, and were threatening to not come to my wedding. My brother, though, I would be sad, but I would understand, as he and his wife (the wife in particular) would not be comfortable at a Pagan ceremony. My friends, most of them are pagan, so it wouldn't faze them. The one friend I can think of off the top of my head who is not Pagan, I talked about it with her, and she said that she would have no problems being there, and might even participate, depending on what I was asking of her.
I haven't thought about a funeral service though.....
I'd been doing better, really I had. Now, I'm back to being depressed, and taking everything personally when i shouldn't.
Ashe doesn't want to have sex one night? MUST be because he doesn't want ME anymore. I'm repulsive to him. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm just too much of a bitch, and he regrets having married me. Are these things true? Hell no! Do I believe that? Umm, well, most of the time. I really do know that they're not true, but there are days when I really don't believe it.
The kids are being a little wild. MUST be because I'm a horrible parent, and shouldn't be trusted around kids. I'm irresponsible, and have no idea what I'm doing trying to raise kids. Someone should take my kids away before I do something to cause them all to get really sick, hurt, or kill them. Are THESE things true? I don't THINK so. I'm not the world's best parent, but, I'm not the worst, either.
Michael is a third grader and already wants to drop out of school. (This IS true! He's already skipping school, and doing everything he can to get us to NOT send him) MUST be because I'm not disciplining him enough for not going to school. I'm not being his parent, and making him understand that he *HAS* to go to school. Are these things true? Maybe partly, but most of the reason Mikey doesn't want to go to school, is because he's having problems with his teacher. Still working with the school to get to the bottom of it. But, we're WORKING ON IT. Therefore, Mikey's problems with school CAN'T be my fault, right?
There are more things like that, but you get the point, right? And my fucking med dr at the VA canceled my appt with him, and hasn't rescheduled. So I gotta call over there today and reschedule it.
Feel free to leave comments on this. I'm all ears (or eyes, as the case may be lol)
Read through my other entry (entries?) here. Noticed I mentioned the clothes closet down at the Y. :) Had a thought.... I'm gonna start taking pics of the stuff I pick up down there (within reason, I've gotten some pretty skimpy bedroom stuff down there, NOT posting pics of THAT!!)
It's a thought. Wonder if anyone would comment on the outfits/clothes I get there. :)
Hugs to all
Dear Grandfather....
I heard a song tonight that made me think of you. I know that you are always with me, so I began to talk to you. I told you that I missed you, and that I needed your help dealing with my life right now. As usual, I wasn't detailed enough. I was listening to the radio, and flipping through the stations.
As I was flipping through the stations, I heard the same song twice. It talked about a man finding a woman after getting out of a long-term relationship, and that everyone around him thought that this new person was the right person for him. I got frustrated with this, because I was trying to get you to talk to me, and to acknowledge that you are with ME. Once I flipped off the song the first time, I came to another song that makes me think of you. That's when I came back to the other one for the second time. I flipped off that one to part of a song saying "Everything feels right" and was saying that everything is going right, and when I asked you if you were trying to tell me if I'm on the right path with my life, with my religion, my relationship with Ashe, and everything I'm doing with my life, the song repeated "Everything feels right, everything's going right" and I just felt this feeling of utter contentment through my tears. I had been crying since the first song.
I miss you every day, I need you more and more every day. I wonder so often why your God took you away from us, when you were one of his good ones. You spent 50 years of your life bringing people to Him. You, yourself, always told me that if you prayed hard enough and long enough, that God will answer your prayers, and he grants your prayers. Well, I know that the only thing you ever asked Him for really seriously for yourself was that you never have to suffer the way you did when you had polio ever again. If your God answers your prayers and grants them, then WHY didn't he grant that? Especially to someone like you, who had lived such a good life, had brought so many people to Him, had taught so many good people about Him and His works, and preached about him in so many ways for SO many years?? WHY did he take YOU, the only person in this entire god damned family who ever really and truly BELIEVED IN ME away when I needed you the MOST?!?!!! When, if He truly knows ALL, He KNEW I was going to need you more in just a few years??? That I was going to need your love, your wisdom, your guidance.... YOU. Just to know that you were THERE.
I can't just pick up the phone and call you anymore. I have to meditate and send myself to the other side to contact you now, and I have to have someone else in the room with a memory good enough to remember what you want to tell me, because when I'm doing a reading for myself, I can't remember it for shit. I hear you loud and clear when you come across for my mother to read her the riot act for being the bitch that she's become in recent years, but I can't understand you when you're here for ME.
I feel abandoned, Grampa. By the only person I was ever really and truly sure accepted me for who I really and truly was, and didn't care if I changed one little bit. You didn't care if I was a slob. You didn't care if I never finished a project. You didn't care if my grades sucked, well, you did, but you didn't harp on me about it, and tell me that you "Knew I was capable of better." You just loved me because I was alive. I don't have that anymore, Grampa. I hadn't realized how much I really needed it until now, I guess.
I gotta go for now, Grampa. I gotta get kids to sleep. Mikey's starting to be a lot like you, ya know.
I love you so much, and I miss you more than words can express.
Your loving granddaughter,
Black Rose
I'm bored. The bitch in the basement's husband is making turkey for dinner, which is all fine and good, if it weren't for his farking attitude.
Went down to the YWCA and their clothing closet today. Got me an awesome cute pink and red turtleneck sweater. :) These great pair of PURPLE slacks. Not bad.
I think it's supposed to snow again tonite. I'm SO looking forward to that. YAY! The snow has been so awesome. I love the snow. It's COLD as all farking hell, but enough layers of clothes and I'm all good
Gary's home now, and has been for a week. YAY! I'm SO loving having my baby brother back. Now, if I could just figure out a way to get him to sleep somewhere OTHER than in MY bed with me and MY HUSBAND! My sex life is seriously starting to suffer here. lol Not complaining all that much, because I dearly LOVE my little brother, but.... some alone time with my husband would be appreciated.
Listening to Lonestar right now. Guesting on this song is Randy Owen from Alabama. My ALL TIME favorite country group. It's on this album. : )
I go in for my pre-op on my foot this Friday. Then, next Wed is when I have my surgery. Monday is an appt with my med doc, Tues is my Therapist, Wed is my surgery, Thurs Mikey sees his therapist, and Corey and I have an appt with the Salvation Army for the kids to get Christmas this year.
I'm just rambling at this point, so I'm gonna go and wake Gary up so he can be awake enough to think about eating dinner. lol
This has GOT to be one of the best books ever written. It is helping me to process through some of the SHIT I've been through.
It's not an easy book to work through (it keeps getting lost on me, telling me that I need to take a break from working on it), but it's definitely worth it. :)
